Keith Waterhouse, who passed away yesterday, was one of my favourite newspaper columnists.
For years I have read his humorous (and often quite cantankerous) views of the world in the Daily Mirror and Daily Mail.
As an author, he is famous for his book "Billy Liar" and the fantastic play "Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell" but it is his newspaper column creations that I will remember most fondly.
Waterhouse's creations Clogthorpe District Council (which doesn't resemble Broxbourne Council in any way - honest) and the Ug Family have kept me chuckling for years.
Keith Waterhouse retired from the Daily Mail a few months ago and as a tribute Richard Littlejohn penned the following. I think it captures Keith Waterhouse's style perfectly.
Waterho' is awarded the freedom of Clogthorpe
Report of Clogthorpe District Council Ways and Means Committee, sitting in special plenary session, to discuss appropriate ways and means of honouring K.Waterho.
Cllr Parkin said who was this Kay Waterhole when she was at home - some kind of music hall turn from City Varieties?
Cllr Bulge (Chair) said it weren't Kay Waterhole, it was K.Waterho. That computer what they'd bought cheap off Clogthorpe Gas Board abbreviated all names. It should have read: Keith Waterhouse.
Cllr Nepworth said he could confirm said deficiency, since his wife's mother, Mrs Anne Lesborough, kept receiving bills addressed to A. Lesbo.
Cllr Ms Roz wanted to know what was so funny about that.
Cllr Bulge said Keith Waterhouse CBE was a celebrated son of Clogthorpe, who had done much to raise the profile of the
Clogthorpe and Scumborough conurbation.
Cllr Parkin said now he knew who Cllr Bulge was on about. He had known Waterhouse since he worked at undertakers in Slag Heap Lane. Went on to get a job as a cub reporter on Whippet Fanciers' Telegraph and Greyhound Argus, always banging on about trams.
Cllr Nepworth said his late uncle had been mates with Old Man Waterhouse, a Master Grocer, who sold apple's, tomatoe's and potatoe's in the covered market, but swilled away most of the profits in the four-ale bar at the Snivelling Coalman.
Like father, like son, said Cllr Parkin. He could remember young Waterhouse performing some daft trick with an egg and a tray, after a few glasses of draught champagne in Yates's Wine Lodge.
Cllr Ms Roz wanted to know why council was considering honouring someone who so blatanty exceeded healthy drinking guidelines.
What sort of example was that to set young people of Clogthorpe?
Cllr Bulge reminded committee that Keith Waterhouse was one of this country's finest gentlemen of letters, author of 60 books, prolific writer of TV series and plays, including one what starred that bloke from Lawrence Of Arabia, a particular favourite of Mrs Bulge.
Cllr Nepworth said his lady wife was a devotee of the Waterhouse column in the Daily Mail, especially the ones about that Sharon and Tracy.
Cllr Ms Roz said she was horrified committee could honour someone who not only worked for that Right-wing rag, but wrote reactionary, misogynist drivel about hard-working sisters toiling for minimum wage in the retail sector.
Cllr Buldge asked what was 'misogynist' when it were at home?
People what hate wimmin who call themselves 'Ms', said Cllr Nepworth. No names, no pack drill, but if cap fits.
Any road, said Cllr Ms Roz, what had Waterhouse ever done for Clogthorpe?
Cllr Bulge said that apart from bringing Clogthorpe to the national stage, he had also introduced him and Cllr Nepworth to Arnold, British Rail's brother-in-law, who had sold them on the revolutionary idea of alternate monthly rubbish collections, affording significant savings to the ratepayer, which could be put towards members' emoluments and Additional Costs Allowances.
Cllr Parkin said he had been meaning to raise Cllr Bulge's claim for cleaning his duck pond.
This were neither time nor place for partisan politics, said Cllr Bulge, or he would be bringing up the subject of Cllr Parkin's portico. Chair referred committee-to business at hand, namely honouring K.Waterho.
What's so special about him, said Cllr Ms Roz. Is he dead or summit?
Not last time anyone looked, said Cllr Bulge. Good few years in him yet. He was simply retiring after 60 years in journalism to spend more time with his champagne. Any suggestions?
Cllr Nepworth said how about a Waterhouse exhibition at Clogthorpe museum, once the Ug Stone Age Experience closes?
Waterhouse is a writer, not a painter, said Cllr Parkin. Let's commission a statue of him for vacant plinth in Clogthorpe Town Square.
Cllr Ms Roz said plinth should be reserved for someone who had given real service to community in Clogthorpe, such as Nelson Mandela or Barack Obama.
Cllr Bulge said how about giving him Freedom of Clogthorpe, returning Municipal Knowledge and Playstation Centre to its original purpose and renaming it the Keith Waterhouse Memorial Library.
All agreed, bar abstention from Cllr Ms Roz. Cllr Bulge then proposed adjourning to the Snivelling Coalman and raising a few glasses to K.Waterho, Clogthorpe's Greatest Son.
Seeing as it was Laydeez Karoake Nite, there was a half-price offer on treble whisky's, vodka's and gin's. It's what Keithy would have wanted.
